All people know the same truth: our lives consist of how we choose to distort it...

    This blog is a test to myself...that is, I am going to attempt to only write the truth here. The truths of my life: which lately have equaled depression, confusion, thoughts of suicide, existential angst, loneliness, decline of self-esteem, and feeling very sexually inadequate.

     Heavy shit. And I would really just like to get it all out in writing rather than have to tell someone in person. Because every time I open up to someone, it ends up turning around on me again. Ever since I've been little I've felt that way. In my last relationship, I told him almost everything about me. Except not. I told him that I had been sexually abused, and he understood and was very caring about it. But when he wanted sex, he would get frustrated with how I needed to take things slow. Sometimes there was crying, and I think that when we had a pregnancy scare, it was over for him. We broke up mainly because he never wanted to "hurt like that again." What the fuck does that even mean? Did he not think I was hurting too, even more than him?

     No, he knew he hurt me by turning me away because I opened up to him. He's one of those people that doesn't let others inside because he doesn't want to get hurt, and because of that he hurts people, and because of that he hurts even more. I had to tell him I thought I was pregnant, I couldn't bear it on my own. He said he could never love me, even before the whole "Am I having a baby?" question arose. That was what ended it for me. I told myself I wouldn't love him either, then, but I did. I fell in love with him falling asleep beside me every night, the way he chopped onions when he would make dinner, the way he walked, the way he looked at me every now and then, the way he rode his bike all the way to my dorm room to see me after I got off work in the middle of the night.

    Being with him and not feeling free to love him really hurt, and on a deeper level than anything had ever hurt before. A huge part of it was for the first time feeling like I was sexually unattractive--I have what's called "vaginismus," which comes from the negative sexual experiences I had when I was a child. Even if I want nothing more than to have sex with someone, the PC muscles in my vagina have developed the painful reflex of tightening up completely. So sex can be very painful for me, and sometimes I feel like my own body is out of my control. This disorder has made me afraid to pursue new relationships. I don't want to have to explain everything and go through having to instantly feel needy in that I can't just "have sex," I need to take things slow and try and gain control of my muscles. Plus, when pain is triggered, I sometimes flash back to my abuse in the past.

     Sexual abuse fucks up your life. I thought I was over it. But my muscles aren't, and because of that, I still have pain when all I want is to have the pleasure I deserve. You have no idea how it has messed up my self esteem on a sexual level. I know I can still please a guy, no problem. I know every trick in the book when it comes to blowjobs, etc. But he has to be willing to caringly work with me, too.

    I'm just so frustrated, I guess, I need sex just like any other human being, I crave it, but it's so much of an emotional burden on all parties involved for me to explain why I don't like certain things done to me, and why sex hurts. I could get a guy in bed easy if I wanted to, and I do, that's the thing--not just any guy, but a guy I genuinely like---but I won't, because I don't want to explain everything, and I know he won't think it's worth it to spend the time on me. I guess that's how I felt with my previous boyfriend, too--he wasn't interested in hearing about what vaginismus is or how he could help me..he just grew more and more frustrated with it as time went on, and grew more and more distant because he didn't want to get hurt.

    Fuck not wanting to get hurt. When you are in a relationship with someone, you should want to love them. You should want them to love you back. You shouldn't want a relationship where things are held back and just grow more and more distant just because you're afraid of getting hurt. Hurting is a part of life. Even though I am in one of the worst funks of my life, right before I turn 20 years old, I realize that now I see the beauty in a lot of things. Like leaves dancing on the sidewalk when someone kicks through them. Or like my sweet little dog, Misty. She'd pretty much what I live for lately, I don't know what I would do without having her to take care of and cheer me up.

  

   I just feel like my life is so empty now. I have a lot of friends, and I go out a lot and put on my "normal" persona...hence my screen name, "juxtapozedvida"--my life consists of me slowly growing sick of acting like I'm happy---I used to be such a happy, smiley, carefree girl, and most people think I still am that person. When in reality, I go home at night after work and what do I do? Cry. Cry until I fall asleep.

    I think about going to see a counselor or something. I've actually walked up to the door of the counseling office at the university I go to. But I just wasn't able to open the door and go in. Somehow, having to admit that the facade I put on every day is a lie is too hard. But I need to do it. It's not normal, especially for me, to think about suicide 50 times a day. I would ever kill myself--I would never want my family and friends to go through that--and I do have plans for my life, I'm just not quite sure about them yet. So the thoughts of suicide are unwanted, but I can't seem to get them to stop. I caught one side of my brain saying, "Why am I even alive?" tonight, and then the other half said, "What the hell are you talking about? You're depressed. It's not normal, it's been going on for too long, you really need to see someone about it."

   I'm an intelligent person--I love existential philosophy, dadaist and surrealist art and literature, poetry, four-wheeling, playing pool...but lately I haven't felt like doing any of the things I used to love. All I want to do is sleep. And speaking of that, I'm going to go to bed. More tomorrow, I feel better already after getting some of the deeply-buried shit that's been on my mind out. Night!